stomach cancer
back when i first met Lor at good 'ole tyndale, she spoke of her "stomach cancer". we'd go out to some place to eat, and her stomach would start hurting and somehow... in the way that Lor has with words such infamous words like "crap on a stick" ... "stomach cancer" was born. and this week, i do believe i too have a case of "stomach cancer". that acid eating burn a hole in your stomach kind of cancer that never seems to stop. always eating. always plagueing you every step of the way. it's accompanied by the burn a hole in your chest heart. some people would probably just call it anxiety. uncontrollable. mind melting. anxiety.
"be anxious for nothing"
that's great. when you have the choice. but when constantly tell yourself, "don't be anxious" and you take a deep breath and try to believe it. your body... at least mine... just thinks i'm "stuffing it" and it starts coming out through my stomach. through the tightness in my chest that never goes seems to disperse. so how do you make your body not to be anxious?
"the real spiritual sojourners - the ones who touch the edges of life as well as the center -- are people who risk, who let go"
risk. why is "responsible" and "risk" opposites on the spectrum? why is it that if i am "responsible" i make sure that i have a job before i move. that i make sure i have a way to pay the bills. but what i really want to do is walk away. pack my car like i did when i was 19 and didn't know any better than to not and drive my naive ass to michigan. risk everything. let go of trying to hold all of this together. and just melt. that's what my body aches to do. let go. and yet if i do that, suddenly i'm not "responsible". i want to be taken seriously. i have miserably failed at my marriage and the only thing left i have the ability to take care of it my bills, my responsiblities. and yet, there is no room for risk in that. no room for the leap of faith. no room to let go. and right now... no room to breath.
i am desperate. utterly desperate to be in a place that i protect and repair my broken soul and as i sit here tonight. i have not a single job lead. not a single ray of hope. no light at the end of the tunnel in my life right now. i have nothing of goodness to cling to. i am desperate.
anxious"be anxious for nothing"
that's great. when you have the choice. but when constantly tell yourself, "don't be anxious" and you take a deep breath and try to believe it. your body... at least mine... just thinks i'm "stuffing it" and it starts coming out through my stomach. through the tightness in my chest that never goes seems to disperse. so how do you make your body not to be anxious?
"the real spiritual sojourners - the ones who touch the edges of life as well as the center -- are people who risk, who let go"
risk. why is "responsible" and "risk" opposites on the spectrum? why is it that if i am "responsible" i make sure that i have a job before i move. that i make sure i have a way to pay the bills. but what i really want to do is walk away. pack my car like i did when i was 19 and didn't know any better than to not and drive my naive ass to michigan. risk everything. let go of trying to hold all of this together. and just melt. that's what my body aches to do. let go. and yet if i do that, suddenly i'm not "responsible". i want to be taken seriously. i have miserably failed at my marriage and the only thing left i have the ability to take care of it my bills, my responsiblities. and yet, there is no room for risk in that. no room for the leap of faith. no room to let go. and right now... no room to breath.
i am desperate. utterly desperate to be in a place that i protect and repair my broken soul and as i sit here tonight. i have not a single job lead. not a single ray of hope. no light at the end of the tunnel in my life right now. i have nothing of goodness to cling to. i am desperate.
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